AD&D World of the Three quotes:

The World of the Three is the home game my friends and I play. The main characters are Shade (my character, an elven thief who acts a heck of a lot more badass than she is), Billy (drunken dwarven warrior), Brigida (priestess of Danu. Has a tendancy to fall in love with characters who die. Ocassionally varies the routine by dying herself), Vanora (half sea-elf bard. She and Elektra are always at each other's throats), Elektra (psychotic wizardess type), Robyn (high elf tree-hugging ranger), Arkanoth (warrior-mage who's a smartass and tends to hit on the female characters), and Selene (younger priestess of Danu. Healthily in the 'mother' stage of the moon cycle).

Unfortunately, we didn't start keeping a record of quotes until 1999, which means we're missing about twenty games worth of quotes. But we've got from March 1999 until game ends!

March 16, 1999: To Climb a Tower

"This is a very strange place."
-Lenthoth (drow), re: the upper world.

"Is that the click of the door opening, or the click of the poison needle entering my hand?"
-Shade, re: the DM saying "You hear a click" when she tries to Open Locks.

"Come. Long talk. Long walk. Short pier."
-Zoltan (foreign wizard)

"I'm fine, fine, really, I'm fine. If you do that one more time I'm gonna beat your head in."
-the GM re: a player startling her.

"Toilets and wisdom go together."
-Billy re: Who knows?

"You're gorgeous!"
"I fffind youuu very attractive tooo…"
-Van and the Naga. Alas, nothing came of it.

April 23, 1999: To Solve a Mystery

"Beregond, you look like shit!"
-Zoltan. What can I say? Beregond DID.

"Ah, here comes Shade's one-handed lover!"
"Wanna die, Van?"
-Van and Shade re: Van's making up rumours about Shade and Ark to distract people.

"You've heard of Polymorph, right? If you don't talk, I will turn you into a stool pigeon."
-Arkanoth re: Drow interrogation.

"Dr Jekyl and Mr Alfatan…"
-Shade re: Alfatan's two identities.

May 23, 1999: To Light the Darkness
"But Chaos is good!"
"Not when it gives the GM headaches…"
-(OOC)Shade and Van re: Wathlyn Dyer, chaos mage.

"Billy, which way were you streaking?"
-DM. Who knows?

"But you can't expect him to stay in that 90 ft radius of light!"
"Unless he's held there by one IRATE DWARF!"
- DM and Billy, re: Wathlyn and a torch.

"Hello, Arkanoth the Magic Bean."
-Van, re: a spell of Wathyln that made Arkanoth change personalities with a magic bean.

June, 1999: The Undying Undead

"The heartbeat of the world!"
"…on the backbone of the earth."
-Billy and Van

"If I wasn't a) lawful good and b) surrounded, I'd be over there right now!"
-Ark, re: Fighting undead.

October, 1999: To Delve the Dark

"Light my fuse, baby!"
-Billy, re: Getting leeches off himself with a lightning bolt.

"Arkanoth is staggering around and going, 'fucking leeches… fucking leeches…'"
"Actually, I'm dizzy from bruff… I mean droff… blood loss! Yeah!"
-OOC Shade (predicting) and Ark re: leeches.

"I'M DOWN HERE, DAMMIT!"
-Billy

"That's so cute, Alec."
"I'm about to slaughter the bear. What's cute about that?"
-GM and OOC Ark re: the gummy bears.

"Ark, where are you?"
"I'm right here, killing the bears."
-Billy and OOC Ark re: the gummy bears.

"Anyone got a Wish spell?"
"Right here in my back pocket! Wait… here's four of them!"
-Shade and Ark. He didn't have to be so sarcastic about it...

"While I appreciate Elektra's view, if we run into an army… it's not gonna matter if Robyn has healing spells."
-Arkanoth

"Let's just fireball it and get it over with!"
-Elektra, in a tunnel two feet wide and two feet tall. If you know the game mechanics, you know why this is a bad thing.

"We'd flow out onto the floor!"
"Or suffocate and die!"
-Billy and Ark, re: casting rock to mud in a tunnel two feet wide and two feet tall.

"Get your ass out of my nose… never thought I'd say that again."
-Ark, re: the tunnel two feet wide and two feet tall.

"I set off the fire trap."
"I get out some marshmallows."
-Shade and Ark, re: the firetrap on the door at the end of the tunnel.

"Billy's fire resistant and Faramir's in my safeguarding, so I can get all of them."
"You tricky bitch!"
-Elektra and Billy re: fireballing.

"They might be oily."
"Yeah, they're plants suffering from acne."
-Elektra and Ark re: flammability of Shambling Mounds.

"I start chewing it!"
"Ewwwwww…"
-Elektra and Shade/Ark (unison) re: escaping Shambling Mounds.

"I've been killed by garbage and leeches in one day!"
-Elektra, the wizard's constant lament.

"There's interesting items in there!"
"I've learned not to care about interesting items."
-Shade and Elektra. Elektra got herself and Van almost killed once because of interesting items.

"There's only one way to deal with this… KNOCK ALL THE PILLIARS DOWN!"
"I don't know the morons I travel with…"
-Ark and Shade re:the pilliars supporting a roof several thousand feet underground.

"I get out the spell componants for fireball… and turn to Elektra."
-Ark

"You sound like Kermit the Frog on acid."
-Ark, re: Elektra playing a slowed character.

"Elektra, need I tell you this is a bad thing?"
"Nnnnnnoooo…"
-Shade and the slowed Elektra.

"All elves report to the Elf Practice in the Atrium… HERBIE! GET IN HERE!"
-OOC Ark, re: an abundance of drow.

"Okay, before we strip the drow…"
-Elektra. It's called "Searching the Bodies", Elektra.

"No, she's never come across this ranger before. Well, she's coming across…"
-DM re: Robyn meeting Terius

"Man of fire… doesn't that sound like one of those cheesy workout videos?"
-Shade re: the fire elemental Ark summoned.

"We're from MYTH Inc… would you like to buy some hotdogs?"
-Ark to the orc guy we surprised.

"Robyn will defend her friends, not run up the stairs blindly!"
"Deafly."
Robyn glares
-Robyn and Shade, re: Robyn's being deafened.

"No spellcasting for you, bad boy."
-Elektra to Ark, in a heavy German accent.

"Fight fire with fire… doesn't really work."
-Ark re: failing his roll to control the fire elemental.

"Boing."
-Elektra, miming the sound effect for Fireball. Maybe in HER mind, at any rate.

"Save first, you stupid bugger!"
"Hey, this is my character!"
-DM and Billy, re: her trying to tell him what to do.

"The fire elemental's name is… ChibiUsa. It will be represented by this figure of a Clefairy."
"How… pink."
-Ark and Elektra re: his fire elemental.

"They know their boss has something up his sleeve."
"Yeah, well, he'll have a hammer up his ass."
-GM and Billy re: the retreating orcs.

"Yeah, that Staff of the Magi he hid up his ass!"
"…I never kept mine there…"
-Ark and Elektra (quietly). Just hope he doesn't know the word for Retributive Strike.

"Take THAT in your damn orc!"
-Ark, re: Hammer throwing.

"The path of wisdom is right…there."
"He stepped on the path of wisdom!"
-Elektra and Ark.

"It's YOUR Fault we have a psycho ChibiUsa on our ass!"
-Shade re: the uncontrolled fire elemental.

Febuary 3, 2000: To Kill a Cleric

"I'm taking the Wizard Saving Throw package."
"…Is that like a happy meal?"
-Ark and Shade, re: better saves for a multiclass character.

"The fatal flaw of the Ulla Orc is their arrogance!"
"But that's our fatal flaw too!"
-Billy and Ark. At least we're honest.

"The Sewage System!"
"Shit!"
"Exactly."
-Ark, Robyn, and Shade/Billy (Unison) re: where to attack Ulla from.

"Someone very powerful seems to be on your side."
"It's GOD!"
"She said her name was Danu…"
"It IS God!"
-DM and Ark.

"Write Elektra on your character sheet."
"Is she a magical item or a non-magical item?"
"Magic, dernit!"
-GM, OOC Ark, and OOC Elektra re: Elektra's leaving early and Ark's running the character.

"Damn, I feel bad for you." hack "You just lost your arm!"
-Ark, in a fight with an orc.

"The privies don't have traps in them. They'd lose a lot of servants that way."
-Billy, arguing against Shade's claim coming through the sewer might be dangerous.

"Did you impregnate my sheep?"
"NO!"
-Billy, reflecting on what Rajihman might have been responding so vehemently to.

"I hit the air! The air's dead! Wait, I have to roll damage. I do 17 points to the air!"
-Ark, re: a bad to-hit roll.

"I want to kill her!"
"Oh, give him a cracker!"
-Billy (played by Ark) and Elektra. This'd be funnier if we had the records of the time they dressed Billy up as an annoying little kid and they shoved crackers in his mouth every time he whined about something...

"Gm, I have two words for you… morale check. Their god is dead, minus a million; magic-using opponants, minus three…"
-Ark

"You know, it hit AC -25."
"That's a better Thac0 than the Tarrasque!"
-Robyn and Ark re: Faramir's To-hit-armour-class-zero.

"Plants are statues too…"
-Ark, stupidly. Maybe in HIS mind...

"She is the ROBYN OF DOOM! And other good things."
-Ark, re: Robyn.

"The word will be 'Zitdestroy'."
"No, Clearasel!"
"Use Oxycute!"
-Brigida, Ark/Shade(Unison) re: delay onset for Earthquake on the City of Zit.

March, 2000: Babysitting

"Walking along a dust road, Elektra looks at her home town and goes, 'Why am I here?'"
-Elektra re: going home.

"Come on! Get smashed with your Great Grandmother!"
-Ark re: Rian's offer of a drink

"He's cooking."
"On a SPIT!"
-Elektra and Ark re: Flammo, who ended up in the Elemental Plane of Fire.

"You know… Magic's good. It's, you know, good. But sometimes you just gotta club something."
-Ark to the magic guild official.

"Yes, sometimes I want to club something too."
"He's looking at it now!"
-Magic guild official and OOC Shade, re: Ark being smartass.

"My name's Barnhopper. Who are you?"
"My name's Ark. I've heard of you from my friends."
"I haven't heard a lot about you."
"I'm not surprised."
-Barnhopper and Ark. I'm not surprised either.

"He clubbed ULLA!"
sigh "Impressionable Apprentances…"
-Magic guild apprentances and Ark

"What would it take to buy you?"
"A good cause."
"Or a redhead."
"Or a redhead."
-Barnhopper, Ark, Shade, and Ark (cheerfully)

"About Flammo? Well, he blew himself up but didn't die…"
-Ark

"I think you're a little niave."
"Well, that won't be the worst thing that's been said about me."
-Barnhopper and Ark. No, it wouldn't be.

"You know, Brigida, if I were a little younger… and you were a little younger too…"
-Binderfoss, joking about his pedophilic desires.

"The Orcs are Irish?"
-Shade re: who knows?

"Come close and I'll do my touchy-feely thing. Touchy-feely, touchy-feely, touchy-feely!!"
-Brigida re: Touch spells. You don't wanna know.

"Would they accept a Brazier of Fire Elemental Command?"
"Yes, they accept braziers."
"Brings a whole new meaning to 'bra burning'. AND 'hot flashes'!"
-Ark, GM (rolling eyes), and Ark. I still don't know if he set that up...

"What kind of wizard doesn't carry Read Magic?!"
"One who gets into a lot of fights."
"Yeah, well, guess what?"
"…I'm gonna get into a fight?"
-GM and Ark.

"Hello, I'd like to speak to Danu?"
"This is Lolth. Danu is on the can. Can I take a message?" pause "Danu, your Arm told you to screw off!"
-Various re: Contact other plane. Brigida's title is the Arm of Dany

"They're probably Vampire Babies by now!"
"Brings a whole new meaning to the term 'Ankle Biters'…"
-Brigida and Ark.

"This is not the path of Wisdom!"
-Ark, since Elektra wasn't there to say it.

"The path goes between the cardboard and the pretzel bowl…"
-The DM, being literal about where the path was.

"The birds are singing. What does that tell you?"
"We're eating pork tonight!"
"When pigs fly!"
-Brigida, Ark, and Shade.

"You remember the flappy-flappy thing with the dong?"
-DM, reminding us of the ten minute conversation about the Gargoyle's penis. Don't ask, okay?

"Ark goes into the cave and doesn't come out. When you go in after him, you find him curled up comfortably…"
-Ark. Oh, he wishes. Instead...

"Give me all your four-sided dice."
-The DM, zapping Ark with several high level spells and dragons breath. At the same time.

"WoULd YoU LiKe tO BuY sOMe wAFfLeS?
-Zombie Arkanoth

"I died and I still gotta sit in this tiny chair?!"
-OOC Ark, when the DM called him back to the table to play Zombie Ark

"This wizard is a coward and he's quite capable of casting Teleport. His name is Thunder Braveheart."
-DM re: the wizard we hired to teleport the babies out.

"Lower Resistance! Good against Drow and Milkmaids!"
-DM

"Hmm. I don't think Zombie babies would cry…"
-Shade, confusedly.

June, 2000: To Something a Thing

"Now that's Elektra's sober…"
"…She realizes her head hurts."
-GM and Shade

"Elektra, what's that parchment sticking out of your … thingie?"
"Uhm, I'm sorry Brigida, but I'm afraid I can't answer that."
-Brigida and Elektra, when Brigida suddenly forgot the word for beltpouch.

"The only thing that'll kill me is a one. Ready? Two."
-Brigida.

"He'd take three hundred points of damage, be blind, insane, and shunted into another dimension!"
-Ark re: prismatic sphere

"Okay, you know what you can do with that glowing sword?"
"-and my two glowing swords--?"
"Yeah, you can take all those glowing swords and shove 'em up your ass!"
-Shade and Robyn, when Ark's being irritating.

"Hey, if three glowing swords were shoved up your ass, would you get a glow-in-the-dark effect? Like, light from your nostrils?"
-Shade, randomly. Okay, yeah, she can be a bit of a ditz at times.

"There's a tome in the tomb which'll lead us to the temple?"
-Robyn

"Did you take care of the black dragon?"
"Yeah, he got his wings back!"
"…"
-Binderfoss and Brigida.

"Some vampires drain levels. Dwarven Vampires drain kegs."
-Shade

"I will rely on my dexterity to dodge all insects."
-Shade, re: entering a swamp.

"You hit my codplate."
"You wear a fish in your pants?"
-Ark and GM

"What's that herb called?"
"Mint."
"Pot."
-Peasant, Ark/Shade (in unison), re: Robyn offering a relaxing herb.

"I'm going to cast Tongues for fun!"
-Brigida. Don't ask, don't tell.

"Next time, we talk to the hawks."
-Ark, re: the huge list of dangerous things the small birds gave.

"She won't get pregnant unless it's spring?"
"Who, the Goddess?"
"No, your girlfriend!"
"I don't have a girlfriend…"
-Guardsman and Brigida, re: a confused conversation about the benefits of being a worshipper of Danu.

"It's a Remove Fear spell, not a Remove Smarts spell."
-Ark

"I can use Contact other Planes if you want BIG distances…"
"'Hello, who is this?' 'This is Lolth…'"
-Elektra and Shade, re: magical communication.

"The dragon is the most vile, horrible thing in existance. It's more frightening than my third husband."
-Villiage soothsayer.

"I'm casting 'Lower Resistance' on Ark."
"WHAT?!"
"All right, Ark's casting 'Whupass' on Brigida."
-Brigida, Elektra, and Ark. Gotta love how we all get along...

"What number am I thinking of?"
"Okay, Brigida…"
"That's not a number!"
-Ark and the GM, in two different conversations.

"She read the sacred texts! SHE READ THE SACRED TEXTS!"
-Brigida (played by Shade) re: the villiage soothsayer's prediction.

"How's the eyes?"
GM makes a popping noise
"AHHH!"
-Shade and GM re: Eyes of the Eagle which were in Shade's eyes. That lying cheat...

"Within the range of the Wand of Enemy Detection, you detect no enemies."
"AHHHH!!!"
"Okay, within the range, you detect a million enemies."
"AHHHHH!!!!"
-GM and Shade. It was scary, okay?

"GLOOOOM!"
-GM, building mood.

"I kill it-what?"
-Ark, waking up.

"The Wand of Enemy Detection glows brightly in the presence of Arkanoth."
-GM. NOOO surprise.

"Can I cast 'Dirt to Mud'?"
"Not without lots of water."
-Elektra and Shade

"They want your life."
"They can have my ass."
-GM and Ark. Sometimes I wonder about Ark...

"Shhhhhkkkkkkkkkkgggg…"
"How can they make that noise if they've got no tongue?"
"You wonder that. You always wonder that."
-Skeletons, Shade, and GM re: Skeleton shnorking noise.

"I'm just waiting until the dragon shows up."
"Famous last words."
-Brigida and Shade. They were.

"YOU MELTED ELEKTRA!"
"At least it was an impressive death."
-Shade and Elektra, when the dragon showed up.

"Me and my constitution problems…"
-Elektra, failing her Resurrection role.

"Flame Arrow's… a little wonky."
-Ark

"It's bruised, it's beaten, it's taken damage from muck, rock, swords… it's not a happy camper."
-GM re: the dragon

"Shade swims to the other side of the world in one round!"
-GM re: Shade swimming in the water caused by the Reverse Gravity

"Is it larger than mansize?"
-Shade, re: special backstab on a 300 foot long dragon.

"It hits you."
"How do you know?"
"Because it hit AC -22."
-GM and Brigida.

September 2000: To Expound a Theory

"She throws herself on the body."
"EWWW!"
"Or what's left of it."
"EWWW!"
-GM and all players re: Rian trying to ressurect Elektra

"A bit of cloth appears and covers what might be part of Elektra's body."
"Hey, at least I'm clothed."
-GM and OOC Elektra

"Wiggily WIGGILY Wiggily!"
"Little did she realize that the wizard guild had changed THAT to Fireball!"
-GM and Ark re: the sematic componants for Raise Dead.

"Do you want some cookies?"
"No cookies."
"They're double stuffed oreos."
-Barnhopper, Van, and OOC Ark.

"They kicked him out of the Slumping Jug."
"Three times."
-Ark and Shade re: Billy getting drunk

"Like shooting duck in a barrel with a magic missile."
-Smartass wizard on council

"…That means Robyn's a high elf?!"
"…That means Robyn's a BITCH!"
-Robyn and Ark re: her true ancestry.

"Is he sober?"
"What's sober?"
"…moving right along…"
-Elektra and GM re: Barnhopper, magic guild head.

"Surprisingly, a number of doors of the palace had been left open."
"Oh, darn those mice!"
-Van and Wizard on Council re: the invasion of Quari-sam

"The mark of a good wizard is the ability to polymorph into goo."
"'Flesh to Slime.'"
-Ark and Shade re: Elektra

"She's still drunk."
"Ju' a sec, I'll cast Neutralize Poison… Wait, that was Cure Serious. Waz that Spell? Tip of my tongue… Slay Living!"
-GM and Various re: Robyn

"We had to run pretty damn fast."
"Well, I had to teleport pretty damn fast."
-Shade and Gravek re: Blowing up the Warehouse District when he was trying to take over the world. We get along.

"…So then he finally says, 'Pull the other one, it's got bells on.'"
"…Oh, sorry, I tuned out a few hours ago. Could you repeat that?"
-Billy and Shade, re: Billy's several hour long story.

"I'm merely a demigod."
-Gravek. Riiiight, Gravek.

"The demon lord is the posey on the ground while the god is the elephant trampling on the posey while breathing down our neck."
-Ark, trying to explain the situation with the Lord of Avernus and Baal, and doing a surprisingly good job.

"Brigida, Elektra is alive. love, Shade. Ps, Thargon is Emperor."
-Shade's letter. It would have been funnier if Brigida hadn't died during this time and we not known it.

"The world is in grave peril… You now know it."
-Gravek. Thaaaanks, Gravek.

"So this dyslexic guy walks into a bra…"
-Ark, trying to lighten the mood.

"I'm getting this garlic bronzed…"
-Ark, re: his bequeathment from Brigida.

"We ride like the wind to Hestia, we ride like the wind to Telluric, we run like hell - or from hell - to Bristolan!"
-Billy, outlining our first battle plan to get the last three artefacts before the abyss attacks.

"The mace head is round with spaces like a map…"
"That's silly. The world's flat."
-Darklord (Shade's Daddy) and Shade re: the last artefact.

"Tell him if he doesn't shut up, I'll come for him."
"Screw off, Ark, or daddy'll get you!"
-Darklord and Shade, re: Ark's incessant talking in the background

"I hear the voice of someone being persecuted. Good!"
-Darklord, re: Van beating up Ark.

"I never saw someone so evil."
"You never met my mother."
-Darklord and Ark re: Azeem

"I'm going to remember that for a while. I didn't think that it'd be you jumping me!"
-Ark re: Van trying to shut him up by pinning him.

"Some pains in the ass can be fun!"
-Billy re: Gravek's attitude. Really. Sometimes I wonder about Billy.

"Two boulders do not come down at you."
"The world does not come to a sudden screeching halt."
-GM and Shade re: the giants attacks missing.

"S-U-C-C-O-R, pronounced 'Sucker'."
"There's one born every minute."
-GM and Ark re: Spell names.

"I'm doubling up with Shade. It's a better deal than doubling with Billy."
"Ark, remove your hands from that part of my anatomy." pause "AND that one!"
-Ark and Shade re: horseback riding

"Oh, Elektra? You're viewing me as a very good friend."
"The Rod of Beguiling?"
"If you want to borrow money, now's the time."
-Van, Elektra, and Shade re: Van's using the Rod of Beguiling in her range

"Is that a Rod of Beguiling in your pants or are you just glad to see me?"
-Shade

"I do 34 points of damage to his willies."
"He's dead, and he's writhing in agony at the same time."
-Billy and GM re: fighting giants. I love our GMs.

"We got some horses but we only use 'em to carry cows and stuff."
-Rolf the Best, Giant leader. Is that statement just... wrong... or is it just me?

"This is the only campaign where you do 26 points of damage to an orc and the GM has to check if they're still up."
-Ark, irritated.

"The orc's still up."
-DM, after Ark did 26 points of damage to it.

"It's a normal orc!"
"It's not normal, it's BIO-ENGINEERED!"
-GM and Shade. Well, it looked that way.

"This is the only campaign where you hit AC -6 on an orc and the GM has to check if you hit."
-Ark. See?

"Gnolls are to hyenas what orcs are to pigs."
-Ark to Van

"Let's check the fireball damage."
"Remember, they've got gnolls laughing at them."
-GM and Ark re: extra possible damage.

"You can name your gnolls! You know, Zoicite, Jinnai, Emeraude, Naga…"
-OOC Shade to Ark, re: the nasty-laughing gnolls

"Next thing, you'll say these orcs are handsome."
"Ulla's kinda nice. Billy had his eye on Ulla."
"You know, I've been wondering about Billy for a while."
-Ark, Billy, and Shade re: the SuperOrcs. I really have been.

"'One Hit And We're Toast!' - The Rakshasa motto of the day."
-Ark, re: blessed crossbow bolts and a crossbow of speed

"He's scary!"
"So's his mother!"
"Something about teeth!"
"And frilly pink dresses. Dear God, the frilly pink dresses…"
-Various, re: the SuperOrcs. I love our group.

"It takes them a round to get out of the Rock to Mud?"
"Yes."

"I cast Mud to Rock."
-Elektra and GM, re: Elektra's tricky tactics

"If they fall on you, they do smothering damage."
"'You never call anymore!'"
"Smothering!"
-Shade and Ark, re: the flying pizza monster things.

"Five gnolls jump an orc… doesn't that sound like the start to a really bad joke?"
-Ark. Yes.

"Death by Gnoll!"
-Shade. Ask not for whom the bell Gnolls, it Gnolls for thee.

"My gnolls go, 'Woohoo! Gang rape! Gyee heee heee! Gyee hee heeeee!"
-Ark, in a high pitched voice re: them attacking the trapped Ulla Orcs

"Can I kill that one?"
"Tempting, but we need him."
"He carries things."
"He reaches high objects for us."
-Various re: Ark

"Scare the servants!"
"Yeah!"
"Remember that sexy redhead Maria?"
"No… YEAH!"
-Shade and Ark, in conversation. Mmm, stream-of-conciousness...

"Atchoo!"
"Congratulations… I mean excuse me… I mean bless you!"

-Elektra and a confused GM
"The orcs are flailing… GIVE ME THAT SWORD!"
-Ark re: the stuck orcs

"I don't like them staying on my lawn…"
"Lawn ornaments! Give me a week and I can turn 'em all into gnomes!"
-CACH cleric and Ark re: the stuck orcs

"All I've got is wine."
"Pansy dwarf…"
-Billy and Ark re: asking for ale

October 2000: To Direct the Duegar

"Wait a minute… Orcs have levels?"
-Ark, re: the SuperOrcs. You'd think nothing'd scare him now. "We can give you a hat."
"I think I have a really floppy purple one with a feather in it in my backpack…"
-Billy and Ark, re: disguising the Gurok. Yes, Ark plays Skeeve in the BESM campaign.

"It's a little dice-y."
-The GM. Boooo.

"I'm turning you into a sheep."
-Controlled Ark to Shade

"No, I'm in pants."
-Van, who wears the pants, apparently.

"The movement in the trees…"
"Is Gravek."
"It has to be, because…"
"Van got a +6 on her perception check."
-the GM, constantly interrupted by Ark. Yes, Van has a thing for Gravek. No accounting for taste.

"Oh, good, I did memorize Summon Codpiece."
-Ark, re what the hag promised to do to him.

"That'd be so cool if it wasn't bloodcurdling."
-Ark, re: what the hag promised to do to him.

"She straddles the fence."
"My poor fence! That's what happened to him…"
-Ark and Shade, regarding the hag's sexual preferences and bad puns.

"I sniff the air."
"I smell dead people… all the time…"
-Shade and Ark, re: the Undead

"Nice axe."
"Is that a come-on?"

"Is that an axe in your hand or are you just happy to see me?"
-The Gurok, Shade, and Arkanoth

"I'm silently ninjing and it's really uncomfortable."
-Ark attempting to ninj in a Duegar-sized tunnel

"I'm snoring silently. It's a theif skill."
-Shade re: sleeping in the Underdark.

"I'm 'Hiding in Light'. It's a special Underdark theif skill."
-Shade re: hiding in the Underdark

"I hit the air really hard. I rolled a one. I do 26 points of damage to the air. The air's dead."
-Shade re: bad rolls

"These are only Kuotoans."
"Yeah, it's not like they're orcs or something."
-GM and Shade re: 'easy' monsters for 10th-15th level characters

"I have 'Kill Undead'."
"You kill 'em deader?"
-Van and Shade re: needed spells

"A dagger of normal daggers!"
"I like that."
-Shade and GM re: what type of dagger she's using

"It usually depends on the circumstance you're dealing with."
"11."
"Oooh, that's an interesting one."
-Van, GM, and Shade, all in different conversations

"Hey, that's my nose."
-Ark, after being hit by a Kuotoan harpoon.

"Why do I feel I'm riding on my Daddy's influence?"
-Shade, after checking with Darklord everything that happens. Again.

"Hiding in glowing Danuvian light?"
"It's a Danuvian thief skill."
-Van and Shade, re: when Shade glowed green

"Making you stone without being stone…"
"Billy's stoned."
-GM and Shade re: paralyzation. Are we surprised?

"When's he go?"
"It doesn't matter."
"It's VIRGIL!"
-Ark, GM, Shade re: a dragon OOC Shade associates with a video game character who can take infinite damage and not die.

"I have the feeling when I dragon's panicking, you don't tell it to stop and breathe."
"I think I'm hysterical. I should breathe."
"AHHH!"
-Shade, Dragon, and players

"Almost as if time has stopped…"
"It's the Timelord!"
"Or Rouge. Or Blue."
-GM, and Van and Shade, again with the video game references (It's SaGa Frontier, btw).

"Eleven herbs and spices time, baby!"
-Ark, re: casting Fireball

"Let's flee screaming into the night."
-Shade

"Of course I'm afraid, you stupid mortal!"
-The Hag, giving itself away.

"You broke your ocharina!"
"No. The dragon did."
-Shade and Ark, re: getting sat on by a dragon

"Make a save for your chalk."
"9. I now have twice as much chalk as I did before."
-GM and Ark re: getting sat on by a dragon

"Get in running like hell order."
"That would be the dwarves at the back…"
-Billy and Ark re: running away from the hag/dragon

"I'm casting 'Burning Hands' and sprinkling eleven herbs and spices."
-Ark, attacking the hag

"I'm specialized."
"In GRAPPLING?! I don't believe it!"
-Ark and GM. He was, that's the sad thing.

"01. 04. 04. 03. …!"
-GM, rolling Shade's Find and Remove Traps. This was on an hundred-sided die.

"He's a happy, candy-fed Duegar."
-GM, re the duegar kid after Van's through with him
"Shade is the hero of this one!"
"I'd like to thank the GM's dice because I couldn't have done it without them…"
-GM and Shade re: the find-and-remove-trap challenge

"I love the sound of people blinking in unison."
-Ark

"He wrastled a hag!"
-the Gurok, re: Ark

"Can we keep it?"
"No."
"It's worth over ten thousand gold pieces, though…"
"Can we keep it?"
-Shade, GM, Shade, and Ark re: a gem from the gem room

"He heals 5 HP."
"I feel twice as good as I did before."
-GM and Billy re: getting beaten on. Badly.

"I go wiggily-wiggily poof."
-Van, re: spellcasting. Oh yes, she does.

"I forgot - the material componants for summoning Earth Elementals is a large amount of dirt. Can we manage that?"
-Ark, in the Underdark

"Remind me never to vissit the elemental plane of Earth… there's a whole bunch of elementals pissed off at me."
"Actually, it's the same guy. Tomorrow, he'll bring a lunch."
-Van and Ark re: constantly summoning Earth Elementals to move dirt

"Let me get this straight. He knows all the parts of a mushroom but not what a mushroom is? That is CLASSIC!"
-Ark, re: the Duegar kid's farming skills

"During the time here, two or three of the Duegar women have gotten pregnant."
"Don't look at me!"
-GM and Billy, misinterpreting the description of their new prosperity

November, 2000: To Ponder Some Puzzles/To Endure some Exposition

"He appeals to the rest of you…"
"No he doesn't!"
-GM and Shade, re: Ark's begging for Drow mercy

"You get a sense all is not what it seems."
"I shake the Magic 8 Ball and ask again."
-GM and Shade re: Shade's 6th sense.

"It's just the gnighepshfn."
"Guzeintieht."
"Oh, you speak the language too?"
-Shruke and Shade re: the Duegar language

"Shade? We're being attacked by tenticles…"
"Ewwww…"
-Van and Shade, when it does indeed happen. Oh, we poor fantasy maidens...

"Selene, your horse trips and falls."
"WHAT?!"
"Selene, your horse trips and falls."
-GM and Billy re: Selene's horse tripping and falling, apparently.

"Remember our Goddess."
"ATCHOO!"
-Raven and Shade (In Japanese folklore, when you get talked about, you sneeze.)

"Land mines."
"More like acid."
"Land acid."
-Selene and the GM, re: What damaged this place.

"Showers of great damage."
"I want that spell."
-GM and Selene re: What it looks like what happened to Telluric

"Shall we go through Selene's fantasies?"
"Shall we go through Van's?"
"Van's best fantasy is living through the next few months."
-Van and Shade re: Selene's discussing Gravek

"There shouldn't be much harm trying. The alternitive being we all die."
-Van, re: trying the rooms. Thank YOU, Van!

"I feel, since Arkanoth isn't here, someone needs to take the slack."
-Billy, re: doing stupid things

"Just roll high."
"…1."
-GM and Shade re: turning ghosts.

"Selene, not only did you get the feeling that something tried to take you over, you get the feeling that something tried to take over something trying to take you over!"
"Get in line!"
-GM and Shade re: Selene getting possessed

"The naked thing sounds pretty good, actually."
-Selene, re: Moon rituals.

"Act like a baby raven! Maybe it'll regurgitate something it just ate for you!"
-Billy, advising Shade on how to treat the raven Krano.

"Selene has a way with her goddess's body."
"…Selene has her way with her goddess's body?!"
"Why do you think she - dances around naked?"
-Van, Shade, then in unison re: Selene

"Can Eldro tell his bard?"
"Hey, he's gotta get this epic written before the world comes to an end…"
-GM and Ark re: telling Eldro what happened

"I can probably win that guy's money back for me."
-Ark, re: a stupid member of Shade's family who'd been conned by the carnival

"I'm looking where the bird is pointing."
-Shade, dryly.

"Is it just me, or are Wathlyn and Serraphodel…. you know?"
"Remind me to introduce you to Minx and Silver sometime."
-Shade and Van, yaoi fangirls re: Wathlyn and Serraphodel (Gold Dragon)'s special relationship

"WOOOOOSH!"
"Are you counting?"
"No, he's having fun making noise."
-OOC Billy, GM, and OOC Selene, re: drawing lines on the map

"There's something there."
"Cool. I'm going to fly through it."
-Selene and Ark re: the barrier at the face-off with Azeem

"The birds can only do three things."
"Yeah. Fly up, fly down, and fly away."
-Selene and Ark re: the birds the dragons summoned

"Well, I'm on your side, you know."
everyone laughs
-GM and everyone

"That's not how you roll! Silly me."
-GM, managing not to roll right.

"Oh fuck."
"And Billy sums up our feelings."
-Billy and Elektra, re: the sheer number of evil dragons

"Don't… ask… anything…"
"Why?"
-The stressed out GM and Billy

"I rolled a 2. I am now Azeem's bitch."
-Ark re: charm spells

"Hey, Ark, turn into your ego! Nothing could defeat you then!"
"YEAH!…. Hey!"
-Shade and Ark re: Polymorph Self

"Billy, is it initiatve 0 yet?"
"NO!"
"I didn't ask you because I knew you'd get irritated!"
-Shade and the GM re: Not asking the GM anything

"Blow me."
"EW!"
-Ark, then every girl at the table in unison. I think we hurt his feelings...

"I'd like to-"
"HEY AZEEM!"
"-call on the rule that -"
"Yeah?"
"-states that-"
"CAN I JOIN YOUR SIDE?"
"-a player can't get a complete sentence out…"
-Shade, Ark, and Azeem re: Shade trying to finish her request to the GM

"He takes a bolt of moonlight."
"MOON… TIARA…"
"Yeah, that's basically it."
-Selene and Ark re: bad Sailormoon/Danu references

"He hates you."
"Good. I do a jig. He hates me. I don't have to buy him a Christmas present."
-GM and Ark re: Azeem's feelings on Ark

"Fire at will!"
"NO! Fire at Azeem! FIRE AT AZEEM!"
-Ark and Shade

"I have one thing to say to you, Azeem. You're still ugly."
-Ark, after the Mordenkainen's Disjunction destroyed all his items.

"You know, if he cast that at two, he had an initiative of -7…"
"He did."
"That's one wonky d10…"
-Ark and the GM. I try not to think about it.

"I can take a magic missile. You can't disjoin hit points. Can you? I don't have to save for every hit point, do I?"
-Ark re: Mordenkainen's Disjunction fears.
"I wish Gravek showed up and opened a can on Azeem."
"He's immune."
"…He's immune to Gravek's cans?!"
-Shade and Selene re: possible Wishes. Gee.

"Feed… hungry… man!"
"Yeah, he's currently trying to eat Ark's lips."
"AND I DON'T LIKE IT!"
-Ark and Shade re: a very hungry Wathlyn Dyer molesting Ark

"I am so smart…"
"Hey, Arkanoth, another person who tells you how smart he is compared to you!"
"Hey, Selene, shut up!"
-Wathlyn (in awe), Selene, and Ark

"What happened to Billy?"
"I ate him."
"EW! You ate BILLY?!"
"Yeah. He was tasty."
-OOC Billy, looking for his figure, Ark and Shade. Sometimes I wonder about Ark.

"I come from the clan of the Gurok."
"I don't believe I've heard of him."
"That's all right. I don't believe he's heard of you either."
-Dunthick and Wathlyn introducing themselves

"AUGH! Wathlyn Dyer the idiot?!"
"He's been cured!"
"How do you cure idiocy?!"
-Rian and Elektra re: Rian's aversion to the Chaos Mage

"Hey, Billy, want a spotlight?"
"N-
"Dancing girls? Do you want dancing girls?"
-Selene, Billy, and Ark re: improving his chances of convincing the council

"It's an 18-hour girdle. It doesn’t lift and separate anymore."
"No. That's MY job!"
"Get away from me."
-Selene and Ark, re: the girdle of Giant Strength.

December 2000: THE FINAL BATTLE

"I'm gonna liiiiiveee…"
-Ark, sobbing, when he finds out what the devils do to people they don't kill.

"I'm gonna turn the Lord of Avernus…"
scattered applause
"Twenty."
-Shade and all re: the best possible role an impossible turn. In normal circumstances, it'd be an automatic success.

"I can see clearly now the invisibility's gone… I can see all Pit Fiends in my way…"
-Shade and Ark, unison re: rewriting songs to fit this situation

"We have to take the idiot label and pass it around. Law of Conservation of Idiocy."
-GM. Do we really need to conserve idiocy in this group, GM?

"Take THAT, Dorkus Malorkus!"
"That's my REAL true name! Damn you!"
-Ark and Bel (Selene) re: the power of the true name.

"He hits AC -27."
"Oh YES! He's on our side!"
"You sound positivially orgasmic."
"Well… yeah."
-GM, Ark, and Shade re: Arach's hits

"But you and I know something about the Major Pit Fiend…"
"He's gay."
-GM and Ark re: Why the Mother power of seduction in Summon the Three Sisters isn't working

"I'll have your nuts, old man!"
"He's not only going after Bel's balls, he's greasing up first!"
-Billy and Ark, as Billy applies the Oil of Impact to his hammer

"I mount Van."
"I'm glad that worked, because my only other option was to kiss him."
"DAMMIT!"
-Ark and Van, re: Ark getting on her back to distract himself from the Erinyes.

"Shade will never be hungry. Billy will never be sober."
-Ark re: Arach's gifts of never ending food and elven wine.

"Brigida's in a better place."
"Brigida's a tree."
-Shade and a disgusted GM. Like I said, Brigida has weird luck with survival.

Shade points towards the sunset "Onward, then?"
"So, guys, what do you think happened to…"
"YOU PEOPLE STEAL MY END OF GAME THUNDER ALL THE TIME!"
-Shade and Van. They do. It's soo mean.

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