Gimli clutched his axe nervously. "Stay close, young hobbits," he hissed. "They say this forest, the Snowfly Forest-"

"Lothlorien," Aragorn said, bored.

"....Lothlorien, they say a terrible enchantress dwells in these woods! An elf-witch of immense power..."

The hobbits looked appropriately scared, and Gimli felt a little bad. He hastened to assure them, "Aye, but this is one dwarf she won't catch off his guard-"

"Bullshit," said the elves, in perfect unison, who had arrows pointed at the fellowship.

"Mummy!" Pippin cried.

"The Lady wants to speak with you," murmured one of the elves, Haldir, in as close to a sexy, threatening tone he could manage. It wasn't particuarly effective; he was still a bit distraught over the Lady's latest bit of prophecy, a bit of Grimoire she referred to as Raedinthscripte, which had foretold his hour of death in a place he, as far as he knew, wasn't even supposed to be.

Legolas blinked, then pushed past the archers to hug Haldir. "Haldir!" he cried, for they had been friends together, often visiting each other's woods and doing fun teenage things like racing spiders. Then, in elvish, he added, "What dwarf sodomized you in your sleep?" which was a piece of archaic Mirkwood-dialect elvish slang meaning 'what's wrong?'

"Oh, a large-cocked hairy one," Haldir replied, which was the traditional 'I've received terrible news' response.

"Well, tell me all about it, old friend," Legolas commanded, and the two went to one side to discuss.

"What are they talking about?" Merry asked Aragorn, knowing the ranger spoke elvish.

"Uh," Aragorn said, still boggling at the slang, which he had not encountered in the Last Homely Home. "...they're, uh, arranging our passage." It seemed better than the truth, which was sure to enflame Gimli and set him off onto a rant about how large-cocked hairy dwarves were a sign of good fortune among his people.

After Legolas and Haldir finished commisserating, Haldir was in a much better mood and uninclined to spit the entire fellowship where they stood. "Come," he said, and lead them into the heart of Lothlorien.

They climbed stairs seemingly built out of the trees themselves and stood on a platform where they were to meet the famous Lady of the Forest. After a moment, they heard steps approaching, and held their collective breath.

First descended Celeborn, who was looking a bit less...ethereal than they had been given cause to expect. His hair had gone brown from its silver and was standing up in the most silly of points, and his clothing was simple leathers and cotton, hardly elf-garb. And beside him...

Beside him was a thin man with blonde hair and elfin features, yes, and the most enchanting eyes, almost wearing a pair of leather pants.

"Welcome," he said, his voice hissing mysteriously.

It was Pippin who first voiced what they were all thinking. "Uh, Gimli. That's not an enchantress.."