"Honestly, Eiri." Mika's voice is irritated on the phone, barely contained. "You hadn't even told him."

"I can't see it's any of his business."

She makes a short, sharp noise. "You know what your problem is, little brother? You don't want it to be anyone's business, not even your own."

He laughs. It's not an amused sound. "Good. Maybe if it's nobody's business it'll be completely forgotten."

Mika is silent a long moment. "I hate to see you do this to yourself, Eiri. Burying it doesn't make it go away. Bad enough that you've got yourself into this situation--"

"This situation."

"With the boy, Eiri. You think I don't see the parallels? He's just like you used to be! Bright, and determined to be happy, and -- and ignorant! You don't tell him anything, you just let the feelings build up and he has to guess at your feelings and he always guesses the best, because he wants to believe in you! You can't relive the past like this, it's not fair to you or to him--"

Yuki says, "I'm hanging up now," and drops the phone into the receiver before she can protest.

He sighs, staring down at the latest pages of his novel, and can't bring himself to press the keys. He's always hated writing, but he's good at it. He's always hated the necessity of having to write, and the audience he can never live up to. It's not himself; he can live up to his own standards just fine.

He's not the one writing it, anyway. It's why he has his pen name.

After a moment, he shakes his head. Nothing more's getting done tonight, and his editor will have to deal with that. he saves, closes the laptop down, and heads into the bedroom.

Shuuichi wakes when he opens the door, blinks blearily up at him from bed. "Yuki?"

I should tell him that 'Eiri's fine', Yuki thinks, idly. One of these days. "It's me."

Slowly, Shuuichi sits up and scrubs at his face. "I fell asleep waiting for you."

"I was writing."

"Still, sorry." Shuuichi looks up at Yuki with a little half-grin. "Coming to bed?"

It's always a relief to him how much Shuuichi enjoys sex, how he gets into it and groans and moans and tangles himself with Yuki, squirms and asks for it, wants more. It's sweet then, enough to disturb, because it's not safe to expect someone to always behave the same, even if Shuuichi is the type of guy who always does.

"Mmm, Yuki," Shuuichi sighs, after, and snuggles in. "I really love you, you know that?"

"Don't be a moron," Yuki says sharply, which he knows Shuuichi will take as a yes, and his sister is wrong, damn it, she's never understood their situation. Kitazawa Yuki would smile and say sweet things and hate. It's the other way around here, he thinks, and he can't always help the hate that pours from his mouth, it's a safe thing to do. But Shuuichi always knows what he means and so it's fine.

Shuuichi draws a breath. "I have a huge rehearsal tomorrow, I'm going to be gone late. It's going to be exciting, though, Noriko-san's stopping in to--"

"I'm not in the mood to talk," Yuki says, and lights up a cigarette.

"Sorry, Yuki." Shuuichi's only silent for a moment. "Anyway, playing with her's always a little frustrating but fun because she's so good but so full of herself, but in a friendly way, so--"

He doesn't repeat what he'd said; Shuuichi knows and Shuuichi's free to say whatever he wants as long as he knows. And Uesugi Eiri thinks that his name isn't a curse but a blessing, becaus every time he hears it, he remembers how different they are, and that knot of tension unwinds a little. Just a little.