Ingredients: lawn gnomes, flan, and Jordi, Archangel of Animals.

Novalis hadn't expected the Seraphim Council to laugh.

She hadn't expected it for two reasons: First, the majority of them were stuffy and full of themselves, which is one of the reasons she dressed like a new age hippy. She'd always thought the day they cracked a smile was the day she'd come one step closer to her ways being accepted as the right ways.

Secondly, she'd been serious.

There was something, she decided as she sat blinking in shock, severely offputting about Dominic bursting into giggles.

Well, at least David wasn't laughing. Even if his eyes did look suspiciously bright.

Novalis sighed and waited until the gaity had died down before repeating herself. "I ask for aid in stemming the threat to Flowers that is the lawn gnomes."

Snickers started up again. This time, Dominic managed to control himself and cleared his throat with severity. "Novalis. Please, explain why lawn gnomes are a threat to your Word."

"Well," she began, "it all started when I was visiting E... ah, a friend of mine on Earth..."

Novalis sat in the nice combination restaurant and art store. It was the only place she knew where Rogue Archangels - one in particular - hung out, stirring spaghetti with one hand and painting with another. At least he only rarely got them confused.

And this time, he was making dessert and mixing... well, what looked like a pan full of sugar.

"So..." he said idly, making small talk as he held it over a burner. "Kobal's been antsy lately."

"Antsy?"

"Yeah, he's got his spies watching me."

She blinked. "...Spies?!"

An elbow gestured vaguely towards the window as Eli tried not to let the pan tip. "See for yourself."

Novalis went over to the window and peered out.

Outside... were seven lawn gnomes. Movement-sensitive, apparently, as they swivelled to face her, grinning manically, arms raised zombie-like.

She ducked back down. "Lawn gnomes?"

Eli nodded. "Lawn gnomes. Stole the idea from some artist of his. He likes watching me a lot. Whatever." He withdrew the pan quickly as the sugar started to caramalize.

"What do you think he's up to?" she asked, taking her seat a bit uneasily. Dark Humour watching you was never a good thing.

"Flan," Eli muttered.

She blinked."What?" she asked, thinking - hoping - that she'd misheard.

Eli pointed at the pan, in which the sugar was cracking. "Flan. Really light, kind of flaky, really sappy, not much to it."

"...I hope you're not trying to describe me," Novalis said, eyeing him. She'd heard it too much from the Michaelites.

A laugh as Eli put the pan into another pan, full of hot water, in the oven. "No, no. Kobal. I think he's got a crush."

Novalis wondered at the feeling of pure horror that produced. "Kobal. Has a crush on you."

"Maybe."

"That's not funny."

Eli grinned. "I don't know. It cracks me up."

She watched him bake for a while and formed words she didn't say: He's an Impudite. He can't love you. At most he can want you. At most he'll think it's funny. He can't love you like I do. Can't want to hold you, protect you, keep you safe forever. Not like I do. He'll just hurt you and that will break my heart. Every day you're out here, where you're in danger from both sides, and I can't protect you, no matter how much I want to; the best I can do is deflect the Judge's attention from you, to have my Tethers keep their eyes on your Tethers, to do my best to help you and love you whenever I see you. Please don't do something stupid because Dark Humour has plans.

She said, "What are you going to do?"

Eli had been working on the flan, apparently not noticing her silence, and finished putting it in the oven (at three-fifty, she noticed, but this was Eli baking; it'd be ready when he was). "Oh, I don't know. He'll get tired of it after the humour value of crushing on me wears off, I think. Besides, look at what he's done."

Unable to repress a slight frown, Novalis nodded.

"And," Eli said, "if he were sincere, well. That'd be different. But I don't think he is, and I don't wanna see things all fall apart like..."

"Poorly-baked flan?" she suggested.

He grinned. "Yeah. Not when there's other people who care."

Novalis exhaled.

"I notice those things, Novy," he said, almost apologetically. "And I appreciate it a lot. You're very good to me."

It was hard, she found, to raise her eyes from the floor. However wonderful, however lovable he was, however much protection he'd needed or wanted or just been offered, she hadn't planned on this.

"I just want you to be happy," she said. "I wish you'd take better care of yourself."

The oven timer went on - for longer than flan should ever be cooked, she noticed, but this was Eli, after all, and then there was a counter behind her and an Eli against her.

"I love you too," he said, and grinned against her.

Novalis summarized most of this, of course; it wouldn't do for Dominic to find out where her absurd Attuned was. Details were dropped, though no lies were told, and she skipped over the intercourse, as Dominic got a bit stormy and Laurence was looking... well, scandalized. It was actually rather cute.

"...At any rate, I didn't consider the lawn gnomes when it happened," she said, and cleared her throat. "We were on the counter and the, ah, window was right there."

Laurence was sputtering. "I fail to see -"

She sighed. "I walked out of the building and there were lawn gnomes on every free place on lawns, in parks, wherever. Newspapers going wild with it. But... it was killing them. I'd move the lawn gnomes and turn around and another would take its place. Soon, the grass was dying, flowers squished... so much pain for them. It's harming the environment, they're destroying all plants they can. Lawn gnomes have never before been such a threat to gardens. I fear, my fellow Archangels, that when you check your cities, you may find that the lawn gnomes have taken over the fronts of your tethers, the public parks, the forests."

There was the silence and the glaze-eyed expressions of a dozen Superiors sending out manifestations.

"The threat," Novalis added, "may be bigger than you think."

After a moment, Michael spoke up. His voice was incredulous. "That's the stupidist attack ever. There's no ...POWER to that. I mean, if we get on it, we'll get rid of the gnomes in no time - sure, maybe not by ourselves, but with concerted effort? No force! It's just... silly."

Novalis couldn't quite help a wry smile. "Yes," she agreed.

"Then... why?"

"Oh, that's easy," Novalis said.

There were uncomprehending expressions all around and she rolled her eyes, then explained,

"Flaky, stupid, no substance... My fellow Archangels: This ...is a Flan of Revenge."

Dead silence.

Jordi rippled with the sounds of dogs barking and rose. "I have a solution."

Eyes turned to him.

"You say - that they are - Tech?" Jordi growled, a canine maw snapping in Novalis' direction.

She shrugged, a bit embarrassed. "They seemed to be electronic. I don't know if they were Technology, though."

"Huh." Jordi licked himself thoughtfully. "Electronic works."

Novalis tilted her head. That's the last she expected to hear from Jordi.

He started to pad out of the room. "I go. Make it safe for you to be with your mate. You smell of him."

Novalis turned red. She stammered, then called after him. "Jordi! What do you plan to do?"

Jordi snorted and swivelled some eyes back. He scratched behind twelve ears. Every part of him was emoting, demanding to know how she couldn't see how obvious the answer was.

"Water... Electronics not good," he said, eventually. "...And where there are lawn gnomes..."

He turned and padded out, voice floating back to them. "...there are dogs."