"Hi!"

Thomas screamed. "DEMON."

The wheel of fire tilted, as if confused. "Where?"

"YOU - YOU ARE-"

"I'm Huxixiel, Ofanite of Flowers," the burning monstrosity said. "I'm gonna be your guide through heaven."

"HEAVEN?" Thomas demanded. "You expect me to believe a place full of... full of snakes and fire-"

"Oh, those'd be the Seraphim," the 'Ofanite' said cheerfully. "You get used to them."

"Seraphim?"

The Ofanite whirled. "Wait, weren't you a minister? You don't know what the Seraphim are?"

"No..."

"What language did you TEACH your holy book in? ENGLISH?"

Thomas glared. "Well, yes. It's the language Christ gave it to us in!"

"...uh."

"If the King James version was good enough for Paul, it's good enough for me!"

The Ofanite spun away. "JERRY! We have another nutty one!"

A REAL angel showed up a moment later, haloed and white winged. "Ah. Hi, I'm Jerry. I assume you're a fundamentalist?"

Thomas stared. "How can you tell?"

"...wild guess." The angel put an arm around Thomas's shoulders. "Come with me, man, I'll show you how we do things around here."

Thomas screamed and pointed. "THERE ARE MEN KISSING OVER THERE!"

The angel rubbed his forehead. "Okay," he sighed. "This may take a while."

Thomas felt in a daze. "This is so against the scriptures," he whimpered, and let the angel lead him off.