I don't think I've ever gone from happy to sad so fast.

Yes, I'm - fast, normally, I guess, in moodswings. But it always goes the *other* way, you know? If I go sad, I'm only sad a little, and get happy fast because there's no point in being sad. I've never understood angels who are sad all the time. Why don't they just choose to be happy?

But I guess I understand. It isn't easy.

I can't get over how hard everyone is making this. If they want - if *he* wants - to try, then why throw everything in to obstruct? Why make it a course full of walls and no doors? Demons are treated better than this, aren't they, when they want to come home to Heaven, even if they've never seen their home? Treated gently, treated with love, offered paths. Even the Fallen. Then why these, who're angels, who're our brothers and sisters, why are they only given walls and locked doors? I guess I thought that they'd kept themselves there and they did, but there's more than that. It's harder than that. People are still mad at them for something they did over ten thousand years ago. People're can forgive others who did bad things recently, or even over twenty thousand, back at the fall, so that doesn't make sense, the timing of it doesn't make sense.

If Lilith can be welcomed with open arms, accommodated - "Oh, you don't want to go to Heaven? Okay, y'know, we can make a special place for you" - then why can't the Grigori? They're given physical safety here but it's not enough. Their hearts have no safety, their souls have no safety. Who wants them? Who loves them? Who is willing to open their arms and let them cry and ask for absolution?

Why is it wrong to want to give them this? Most of them are ready to change, I'm sure of this - if they accepted the offer of help, of *safety* here, then there's something in the ones who're here who can be reached, right? They aren't insisting on surviving only on their own anymore, them and their choirs. They're willing to be part of - something again.

Tia is a Lilim, hanging out in the kitchens and feeding angels snacks. She's welcomed with open arms despite not having the wings, still having the horns and stuff. And she hasn't asked about the wings or anything, but she's still welcome. Deborah's as green as grass and living happily with a Bright Creationer and Eli came to their party when they moved in together and read poetry and was happy. Why can they get this leniency when they're so far from God, and the Grigori still be angels and given only body-safety?

Black sheep, I guess, but they're still family. They're still within God's sight.

I thought that the fact Fou still had rites and stuff, I thought that was hope. I thought it was trust. I thought it was a bond between an angel and his Archangel despite everything. I thought this would have to be good. And maybe I don't have the background, but how can that be bad? He trusted Fou with the rites and attunements back during the Outcasting of the Grigori, and he's kept that trust in Fou all these years, and doesn't that mean anything?

But it makes Eli mad, and I'm young, and I know I'm stupid. But I just can't get how it's bad.

I can't stand seeing Eli mad, or sad, or unhappy in anyway. I want to help. I want to do whatever I can to make things okay, but I can't make these things okay, and he won't order me to do anything one way or the other. I still can't figure out what he meant when he told me he has an entire Cathedral of angels supporting his Word, so I had to prioritize. Can't I do both? Can't I help fellow angels and still support Creation? What's wrong with me?

Please, God, I know my Choir's supposed to find our way okay, but I can't, I'm lost, please help me, God, please tell me what to do.