All Sakki's Fault

"Did you see his face?" Breda rolled his eyes, propping his feet up on the table. "He was doing that bored-as-hell face again. Clearly he's got a date."

"That's stupid," Ed informed him, explosively. "If he were on a DATE, why would he be BORED?"

Breda shrugged at him, uncaring about how Ed was practically flailing. "We always just figured he's had so many women that it's like habit to him. Second nature, or something."

"Oh yeah? How many of these dates have you actually seen him go on?"

"Uh... one."

"Ditto," Fury added, raising a hand.

"Me too," Farman said. "And it was all the same one. We were following him."

"You were f--" Ed trailed off and shook his head. "No, I won't ask."

"It was for a good purpose!"

Ed snapped, "I said I wasn't asking! Anyway, so you've all seen ONE DATE, huh? What, with some bimbo floozy?"

Havoc inexplicably burst into tears.

"It's a logical assumption," Hawkeye told Ed, smiling secretively. "After all, his alchemical code uses the names of women, and he's famous for stealing people's girlfriends."

Ed considered this. "...wait. How many of these girlfriends dumped their boyfriends before even asking him out?"

Hawkeye shrugged, innocent. "Oh, probably quite a few," she said casually. "After all, I doubt any of them wanted to think of themselves as loose..."

"...so he might not have stolen them at all for the boyfriends to blame him?"

Breda laughed. "Ed, it's ROY. Can you doubt he stole 'em? He's never had a friday night without a date!"

"But what about the rest of the nights?"

"Them too, probably!"

"I don't believe it," Ed said, and set his jaw. "I'm going to check." Still snarling, he strode out of the office.

"Eh," Breda said, aloud. "I wonder why he cares so much."

They stared at him.

"...am I missing something?"

***

Ed was pleased to have proved himself right -- Roy didn't go on dates the rest of the week. He'd excuse himself for one (or at least make the 'date face', which probably counted), but when Ed tailed him at a distance, he found that Roy would go to one of two places: The library (of course, Ed thought, none of his men would ever look for him THERE), or immediately home.

He did go on a friday night date with one of the many girls who had asked him out that week, but he looked... bored. Very bored. Like he'd rather be anywhere else.

Roy clearly didn't recognize him in his disguise, and so it was with some self-confidence that Ed followed him into the movie theatre and took a seat beside him and the excited young woman. As the movie begun, the woman cuddled up to Roy, but Roy barely unstiffened and his face didn't change at all.

Halfway through the film, Roy tugged out a little notebook and began making notes. Ed felt his pulse speed up; this, surely, had the clue to what Roy was UP to. He leaned forward and looked down and read, in the dim lighting:

...and so cold fire cannot be created by means of igniting materials with a low combustion temperature but instead...

Ed sat back in his chair with a thump, wide-eyed.

The Colonel was studying. He was on a date with a gorgeous (to Ed's admittedly untrained eye) young woman, and he was studying.

It made some sense -- Roy DID have to upgrade his certification every year, and he had to also oversee everyone's certifications, so he had to be up on his alchemical knowledge, and -- well, many things, really.

But it meant one of two things: Either Roy was a hopeless nerd, or he was really bored with women.

Ed swallowed, and made his plans.

***

"It's TRUE, I'm telling you," Ed blared at Breda. "STUDYING."

"I don't believe it," Breda insisted again, cleaning his ear out with his baby finger. "The Colonel, studying on a date? Everyone knows he passes these things without studying at all."

"I'm telling you what I saw!"

Breda leaned forward. "Oh yeah, well, know what I heard recently? That you're jealous of the Colonel's girlfriends because you want him for yourself."

Ed went red and silent.

"Not denying it, are you?"

"Sh--shut up!" Ed pointed at him. "I held the Psiren's breast! I've probably got more action than the Colonel has in a year!"

Breda grinned a truly evil grin. "Oh yeah? And did you like it? The way it squeezed in your grip? The soft yet firm warmth of it? The way her nipple must have pressed into your palm--"

Ed went redder. "OKAY THAT'S NOT RELEVANT--"

"I think it is!" Breda grinned. "Nobody'd hold it against ya, Ed, but just be honest! You're not trying to pin this on the Colonel just because you wish he didn't like girls, are you?"

Sputtering, Ed flailed. "Okay! FINE, I admit it! I may have got more action with girls than he did, but as far as I can care, Roy can have ALL my action!"

Roy paused in the doorway, as if on cue. "Ah, is that so, Fullmetal? I'll pick you up at seven on Friday."

There was silence in his wake.

Ed felt the bizarre urge to scoff at Breda.

***

Roy didn't pull out any notebooks on the date, and while he kept his face bland a lot, it wasn't the same as when he'd been on the date with that girl -- it seemed mostly habit. His eyes glittered under lowered eyelids, and Ed found himself grinning back more than he'd expected, heart pounding in his throat.

The date went quickly and he found himself walking back to the dorms with Roy. Al was out with Winry, as he'd been for the last week, and Ed was suddenly very, very aware that he had the room to himself.

"Uh," he said, mouth dry. "Do you, uh, do you want to come inside?"

Roy smiled. It was a smirk, but there was something behind it, some sort of hidden anticipation.

"Yes," he said, and the smile broadened. "Thank you, Fullmetal."

The door had barely shut when they were pawing at each other, kissing each other hard and fast and needy. Ed had kissed people once or twice before, but it had never been anything like this, heat and twining wetness in his mouth; he'd never gotten hard so fast, and never had anyone but himself to touch him through his pants like Roy was doing.

Roy backed him to the bed and he fell back when it hit his knees. He swallowed; it was happening fast, so fast, and Ed wouldn't change it for the world -- it was good, it felt good, and it meant he didn't have to stop and think.

Hands braced on the bed, smiling down at Ed, still clothed, Roy murmured, "Can you do something for me, Fullmetal?"

"Anything," Ed gasped, breathless -- and he was surprised to find it was true enough. He was up for anything. He could experiment. It would be good.

"Quiz me," Roy groaned.

Ed stared. "What."

"Quiz me. On, ah, on alchemical fires, the different temperatures required to--"

"What the fuck."

Roy sucked air. "Fullmetal--"

Ed grabbed a pillow and thwacked him with it in a vain attempt to control his fist of death. "WHAT THE FUCK! You ARE a hopeless nerd! Get the fuck out of my bed!"

He paused as Roy looked hurt. "Fullmetal... I thought..."

Eyes narrowing, Ed looked at him suspiciously. "You thought what?"

But Roy had gone back into bland mode, was rising, pulling his clothes about him. "I thought you, of all people, would understand. I apologize for the inconvenience," he added, and headed for the door.

Ed stared, watching him go, waiting as the door swung shut.

"Fuck," he said, and thumped his head back on the bed.

Okay, so... Roy was more studious than he was, and that was saying something. But, hell, the man did want to rise in power, had a goal as important to him as Ed's own goal, and of course he'd put work into it, of course he'd put it before everything, of course he'd make it a vital part of his life--

Ed dashed to the door and saw Roy about to round the corner again. "Hey! Colonel!"

Roy looked back, expression bland even from that distance.

"Come back here," Ed sighed, and rubbed his head. "I'm a bit rusty on my fire, better with metals and shit, but I can give it a shot."

He could see Roy's smile from that distance, and felt stupid about how gooshy it made him feel.

Eh well, he thought, leaning against the doorframe as Roy came back and finding himself smiling a wry smile. Maybe, if I'm lucky...

Ed waited until Roy was inside before voicing his thoughts. "So, uh... I don't suppose you want to have sex during the pop quiz? Because, you know, I'm sure that'd really help my memory."

Roy's face was almost surprised. "Why, Fullmetal. I was counting on it."

Helplessly, Ed grinned, and tossed his shirt into the corner. "So," he said. "Fire, huh? Let's get things heated up."