"I knew the dame was trouble the moment she walked into my office."

"Havoc, this is a car."

"...into my office. She had legs that went all the way up and boobs that -- let me check -- went all the way down."

"...Havoc, you're a little too obsessed with the boin boin."

"Quiet, I'm telling you about the dame. At any rate. She perched her firm ass on my desk and leaned over. I could see her tattoo -- marked her as one of the city's underground gangsters, not that she thought I'd recognize it. Dame thought she could pull a fast one over on me, but no--"

"You were just staring at the tits, weren't you."

"Of all the military headquarters in all the world, and she had to walk into mine. I smiled at her like I didn't get it and asked what I could do for her. 'Oh, sir--'"

"Do the voice, Havoc."

"...do I have to do the voice? I'm bad at the dame voice."

"Do the voice!"

"....'Oh, sir, I need your help.'"

"That's not the dame voice."

"Sh'up, Breda. Anyway. I asked her what the problem was -- casual like, leaning back in my chair and lighting up my fag."

"...I'm sure you did."

"It's a fucking cigarette, fuck off. 'Sir, they say you're the best dick in these parts.'"

"......."

"....they say you're the best dick in these parts..."

"....if you're waiting for me to respond, you can keep waiting."

"...Well, I smiled at the compliment and waited for her to come to the point. She did -- two points, in my face as she leaned over. I hadn't thought it was that cold in my office, but live and learn."

"What were her sizes?"

"What? I'm telling my story here."

"...it's a setting detail."

"...Large, small, large, I don't know. Anyway. She finally came clean with me. 'I had this item,' she purred. 'The Maltese Philosopher's Stone. Inherited it from a rich uncle. But my last boyfriend, he made off with it when the relationship broke up. I want you to find him for me and get my jewel back.'"

"Last boyfriend?"

"I thought it was fishy too. Left a bad taste in my mouth. But I was willing to hear the dame out. 'Last boyfriend?' I asked. She purred at me. 'Yes, sir. Young man, around sixteen, blond hair and gold eyes. Very distinctive -- you'll find him if you look for him, I'm sure."

"...Hey, isn't that--?"

"I knew who she meant immediately, but I tried not to let the dame know I knew -- just told her he sounded like the strange one. If she knew that the alchemist Edward Elric was one of my clients, there would be hell to pay. I don't like being rubbed the wrong way by dames like her -- far prefer 'em rubbing me the right way."

"...What the hell, Havoc."

"She tried to dick me around a little while more, and not in the good way. Eventually, I leaned forward and let one of my cards show -- told her that I knew there weren't no rich uncle, and no boyfriend, either. She froze, then frowned at me. 'How did you know?' I pointed out the tattoo on her chest with a broad sweep of my hand. 'Ain't no innocent little girl have any of these. I don't plan to be party to any attempts to have me on, lady.'"

"Oh, she's a lady now."

"'You found me out,' she said, and tried to convince me to take 'er on anyway. Said that she may have been lying, but the stone was still stolen from her. I said I'd think about it, and she said she'd give me a day to decide."

"What happened then?"

"Get me some coffee and I'll tell you."

"What do I look like, your fucking secretary?"

"Yes, Breda. Yes, you do."

"...You're either more delusional than I can imagine, or a needier man than I thought."

"You want to hear the rest of the story? Get me my damn coffee."

"....fine, whatever."