Edward Elric entered Roy Mustang's office and locked the door behind him. "Look," he said. "There's something I have to tell you."

He said it in That Voice. The voice Roy Mustang feared every time he heard it from a woman. At least, he thought as his mouth went dry, with Edward being a man, it couldn't be that. "Go on, Fullmetal."

Edward drew in a deep breath. "I'm pregnant," he said.

Roy stared at him. "You're male."

"Well, yeah." Edward gave him a weird look.

"...Men don't get pregnant, Fullmetal."

"What planet are you from?" Edward asked, crossing his arms, weird look growing. "Anyway, seeing as it's all your fault I'm with child, I'm gonna demand you take responsibility."

After a moment, Roy managed to pick his jaw up. "How, precisely, is it my fault?" he inquired.

"You're the one who knocked me up, you shit!"

This was too much. Roy rose, slamming his hands down on the desk. "I haven't even slept with you!"

"Yet," Ed said.

Roy pointed at the door. "Get out of my office!"

Flinging the door open sulkily, Ed turned back and screamed, "FINE! I was gonna name her after you, but if you're gonna be like that, I quit!"

Roy caught the watch as it was flung at him, looked at it, and sighed. "Fine," he said. "We can have a shotgun wedding." If the Fullmetal Alchemist wanted to persist in insisting he was pregnant with children from a nonexistant coupling, Roy would just play along until Edward got over it.

Nine months later, Ed murmured dreamily, "Roya Edwina Mustang. Isn't she beautiful? Isn't she perfect?"

Roy looked down with disbelief at the bundle his husband was holding.

"Oh, fuck no," he said, and left.