"Fuck," Fullmetal moaned, flopped across Colonel Roy Mustang's couch. "I can't believe she followed me all the way to East City."

"It's fairly extreme," Roy agreed, bemused, his fingers folded on the desk. "Has she sent you any warnings as to why she may be persuing you?"

Fullmetal didn't say anything, but his expression went decidedly sulky and his cheeks were reddening.

Roy's eyebrows lifted. "Because," he explained, "she does always send a notice when she intends to steal something-"

Silent, Fullmetal flipped a card at him. Eyebrows still raised, Roy read it.

Meet me at the East Backcity Hotel. The Psiren will steal the Fullmetal Alchemist's virginity.

There was a long silence.

"You're a virgin?" Roy inquired with interest, as if he didn't know the answer to that perfectly well. "You know, it's impossible to steal something if someone else has already taken it off your hands-"

"Fuck you," Ed said, giving him a weird look. "YOU deal with this, Colonel Shit. This is your jurisdiction, and I'm way too busy to deal with some crazy nymphomaniac bitch." He rose from the couch and headed to the door. "From the sounds of things," he added snidely, "SHE'S more your type, anyway."

Hmm. Deal with this indeed, Roy thought. He smirked faintly and examined his fingernails. The Psiren wouldn't know what hit her.

That night, he spotted her at the hotel easily - the leather outfit and hat with the fins was fairly recognizable. Clearing his throat until she looked up, he offered her a single red rose. "The Fullmetal Alchemist was unable to make your appointment," he said. "But he sent a replacement."

She looked him up and down. "A bit old for a virgin," she said, amused.

"Ah, well, that I can't offer, no," he agreed, smirking. "I have, however, slept with a number of virgins, and you know what they say. When you sleep with someone..."

The Psiren started to laugh, head tilting back. "You sleep with everyone they've ever slept with," she finished. "Oh, how delightful. Do sit down, I've acquired for us a bottle of the house red."

Roy took a seat, still smirking. "I may need something a little stronger," he confessed, "if I'm to have alcohol that can compete with your intoxicating beauty."

"Oh, you're good," she said, approvingly. "Let me nab us a sherry." Though he thought for a moment she might steal it, she simply signalled a waiter and ordered like anyone might. "I should make smalltalk," she said, "but I'm not sure if there's a point. What's your job? Colonel for the army, obviously." One waved hand took in his uniform. "Your ambitions? To rise in rank, doubtlessly..."

"Ah," he said, "You've seen so much of me already. Perhaps after the sherry's done, we can retire and you can see the rest with your keen and accurate eye as well."

She laughed again. "It's the uniform," she said. "It tells your story. But it's a lovely uniform," she reassured him, hurriedly. "I imagine it will look quite attractive on the bedroom floor."

Roy lifted an eyebrow. "Does this mean I will have the honour of seeing the Psiren unmasked?" he purred.

"Oh no," she purred back. "I keep my mask on."

They decided to forego the sherry after all.

The next day, Fullmetal stalked into Colonel Roy Mustang's office and flung a card at him. "I'm not even going to ask," Fullmetal declared, and stalked out.

Eyebrows lifted, Roy picked it up to read.

Dearest Fullmetal Alchemist, thank you for a wonderful evening. We must do this again sometime, love and kisses, Psiren.